Psychology of Cuckolds and Cuckqueans

The same psychological engine that derives the spiritual feelings in people is used by cuckolds and cuckqueans to find sexual pleasure in their partner’s extra-marital trysts.

Cuckold and Cuckquean

Cuckold is a man whose wife/partner sleeps around.  In 21st Century, cuckold is a man whose wife/partner sleeps around and he derives erotic pleasure out of it.

Cuckquean is the female equivalent of 21st Century cuckold: She lets her husband/partner sleep around and derives erotic pleasure out of it.

Maya, my wife, is a self-proclaimed cuckquean.  Another male friend of mine, whose wife I love to fuck, is a self proclaimed cuckold.  I never took their preferences seriously till a few months ago.  Few months ago, I starting looking for better understanding into this fast growing lifestyle choice.

Lowest Common Denominator

There is no psychological theory on what drives the cuckolds or a cuckqueans.  The popular notion is that an internal sense of inadequacy drives a person to turn into a cuckold or a cuckquean. Another popular belief is that cuckolds and cuckqueans eroticize humiliation.  While some cucks share this trait, this is not true for everyone.

Take my own backyard: Maya is gorgeous (easily a 10 in her age group), very well educated (has degrees in engineering and management) and has a fabulous job (some sort of CXO).  She is constantly hit-on by handsome well-accomplished guys.  My cuckold male friend I talked about earlier is better endowed than I am, has several liaisons outside his marriage and has a much better social standing than me.  Self-inadequacy or erotic-humiliation not at all explains why these two people are cucks.  Though, it is possible that they may have felt sexually inadequate somewhere in the distant past, I am not aware of any such history.  But then again, which teenager haven’t had that feeling of inadequacy when they set out to explore their sexuality!  Similarly, there is always the possibility that they will learn to eroticize humiliation sometime in the future; but anyone can do that, even when they are not in cucking life style.

Disgust with body fluids

Somewhere in the 70’s I think, a simple experiment was done to demonstrate an interesting source of disgust.  It goes like this: Take a glass of water.  Spit into it.  How comfortable are you drinking it?  If you are like the rest of us, you are going to show some level of discomfort at the very least.  Isn’t that illogical?  After all, you do swallow your spit every few seconds.  Same goes for the finger nail you clipped or the hair that you just cut/removed.

This experiment shows that we are programmed to feel disgust towards something that just detached from our body.

Then, isn’t it interesting that we don’t mind swapping spit (and more) with someone we are attracted to and feel a least bit disgusted about it?  Is it possible that when we are attracted or attached to someone, our sense of self merges with them and their spit is just the same as our spit?  I think so.

Spirituality is merging self with a group

At times, people tend to lose their sense of self and merge it with a group that they belong to. This wonderful TED video talk more about it.  It happens to soldiers in the war front, members of a protest, someone who is part of a religious group, etc. (if you are one of those people who think that spiritual feelings can’t felt by non-religious person or in non-religions settings, or can’t be used with evil intentions, then you must watch the linked TED video before proceeding further).

When people merge their self into a group (or into something bigger than themselves, like God), they put the interest of the group above their own self interest.  A separate field of evolution called Group Selection deals with this trait in organisms, including humans.

Cuck and Spiritual Sex

I think when an individual is deeply connected with another one, like a cuck is, the same engine of group selection acts on him/her.  He/she loses his/her self and identify himself/herself with the group.

When a cuckold (male) is deeply/spiritually connected with his wife/partner, he merges his sense of self with her.  Her pleasure becomes his.  In fact, her pleasure becomes ever more important to him than his, the same way his comrades’ survival becomes more important for a soldier than his own survival.  The more she is able to immerse herself into deriving her own sexual pleasure, the more turned on the cuckold becomes.

Cuckqueans (female) seem to act slightly differently.  While she is immersed in the spiritual connection with her man, she also seem to be connected with the other woman!  I would even go out an a limb and speculate that for a cuckquean, the pleasure derived by the other woman is more important than the pleasure derived by her man!

One simple explanation to account for this difference is that we see men as providers of pleasure and women as receivers.  It might be because of the social training, but I think otherwise.  I think the idea of a male being a provider and a woman being a receiver stems from the physical act of sexual intercourse and how it is performed: Males does the thrusting while the woman actively assists him.

What can destroy a cuck’s relationship

Anything that destroys this state of deep spiritual connection would interfere with the cuck’s ability to derive sexual pleasure from the second party sexual encounters.  For a cuckold, losing his connection with his wife would kill the lifestyle.  For a cuckquean, not developing a connection with the other woman or losing her connection with her husband/partner would make the lifestyle meaningless.

It is already well known in the cuck community that insecurity of the cuck destroys the  relationship.  There are other things too.  If a cuckold’s wife/partner (cuckoldress) develops a ‘strong’ connect with her sexual partner (bull), that could diminish the spiritual connection felt by the cuckold with his wife/partner.  Of course, a cuckoldress must have some connect at the very least with her bull and it increases the intensity of her enjoyment.  However, if the cuckoldress-bull connection becomes stronger than the cuckoldress-cuckold connection, it would mean trouble.

If the cuck’s partner cuts them out of the erotic dalliances (often, a cuck doesn’t have to be physically present to vitness their partner fornicating; they might get their fill just from their partner recounting the incident after it happened), that will diminish the returns for the cuck (it could also increase the insecurity for the cuck).  Since being a cuck carries huge emotional cost, unless the rewards are equally huge, it is not a sustaining lifestyle arrangement.

If the cuck’s partner doesn’t derive sexual pleasure out of the extra-marital encounters, that could bring the lifestyle to stop.  Because a cuck’s motive is often misunderstood (as a perversion, or as stemming from a sense of inadequacy), the partner might become disgusted with the cuck and decide to break the relationship.

Of course, as the relationship between the cuck and their partner matures, it becomes more robust and take much more deviations.

What can improve a cuck-couple’s life

Top priority for a cuckold’s is how much sexual pleasure a cuckoldress derives from her extra-marital sexual relationships.  Top priority for a cuckquean’s is how much pleasure the other woman derives ‘and’ how much pleasure the other woman derives from the encounters.  More sexual pleasure, the better for everyone involved in the relationship.

A cuck’s partner (and the other woman) should also let the cuck know as to how much pleasure they have received from their extra-marital encounters.  Not sharing would rob the cuck of getting the pleasure for which they went into all the trouble.

Increasing the deep spiritual connection between the cuck and their partner, at least in the narrow context of sexual relationship, is also very important for improving the quality of cuck-couple’s relationship.  The famous eye contact between the cuckold and his cuckoldress (while the cuckoldress is being laid by her bull), I think, is all about maintaining and building this deep contact.  That’s why every cuckold finds the eye contact intoxicatingly intense.

In summary

Sex in itself is a spiritual act where one lets their sense of self to merge into another (try imagining French kissing someone that you are not sexually attracted to).  A cuckold and a cuckquean take this spirituality to farther extent.

When I realize it, my respect for them (my wife Maya and my male friend) increases multi-fold.  I can’t help thinking realizing that by being my cuckquean, Maya has given me the most precious gift any lover can hope for: An unquestioned merging her self into mine.  I feel even more worried now that I would do something stupid and hurt her!

I think, to get more out of any cuckquean-partner-other woman relationship

  1. The trio should do things that help the cuckquean to merge her sense of self deeper into her husband/partner and the other woman
  2. The husband/partner should find ways to provide ever increasing intensities of sexual pleasure to the other women and figures ways to include his cuckquean into the act (even indirectly)
  3. The other woman should ensure that receive intensities of sexual pleasure from this relationship (as her favor/responsibility to the couple) and figure ways to share it with the cuckquean.

To get more out of a cuckold-cuckoldress relationship

  1. The couple does things that help the cuckold to merge his sense of self deeper into his cuckoldress.
  2. The cuckoldress finds ways to receive ever higher intensities of pleasure from her extra-marital sexual relationship and figure a way to include her cuckold into it (often indirectly)

A note to a cuck’s partner: For fuck’s sake, don’t do something stupid (like hiding your trysts from the cuck) that would reduce a cuck’s trust in you.  Trust is an essential ingredient of spiritual merging,

Sounds simple, isn’t it :-)


48 thoughts on “Psychology of Cuckolds and Cuckqueans

  1. travellinginternationally

    Interesting perspective, I do believe there is another form of cuckolding / cuckqueaning that is not built around the traditional form. Instead I believe any open relationship where one partner remains monogamous while the other has sex outside of the relationship with their partner’s knowledge and consent can fall under cuckolding.

    1. Dex.Maya Post author

      You have made a very valid point TI. Your definition of cuckold is certainly drawn from the traditional view and hence more pure. However, it looks to me that the ‘cuckold as a fetish lifestyle’ always involves the cuck eroticizing their partners sexual encounters with other people. Am I erring?

      1. AP

        I totally agree with you. I am in a cuckold relationship and my wife’s sexual encounters are very exciting to me…

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    1. Keara (@TheWriting_Girl)

      Alot of scenarios of cuckolding and cuckqueaning are not discussed..the cuckoldtress who cuckolds their spouse and sleeps with women, and the male version of a cuckold tress who cuckqueans a female spouse with men….I once being the latter

      1. Dex.Maya Post author

        You are right. It hadn’t even crossed my mind! As a matter of fact, it doesn’t even feel like it’s cuckolding.

        Would you care to share some insights? How does it feel to be part of the triangle you are talking about? Your answer will go a long way in better understanding this complex situation.

  4. modestyablaze

    Really interesting and thoughtful threads here. Though we’d never (previously at least) describe our own relationship as a cuckolding one, there are certain elements in a lot of the points mentioned here that we can both relate to. Look forward to returning for more insights and comments.

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  8. Newb

    This is a very well written piece. For me it is the same, I am a well endowed intelligent guy who is populair with the ladies. However, nothing turns me on than fantasizing of my girlfriend getting the most pleasure she can anyway possible. It is indeed super important for me to know that she enjoys it. With my previous girlfriends I never had this fantasy and this was probably because I was not even remotely connected to them as I feel towards my girlfriend. However I am also not turned on by the humiliation aspect as I don’t feel inadequate. For me it is solely the pleasure she gets from it. I do think however that some things are best left a fantasy.

    1. Dex.Maya Post author

      Thanks Newb! I can’t over-state how much your words sound true in my world.

      I have seen men, particularly the ones who are in a marriage with lots of love, going putty when they see their women being treated well by her lover. One of them is better endowed than I. Another one is much better than I in bed (bigger, lasts longer, built stronger). The idea that “sense of inadequacy begets cuckoldry” is a complete bullshit. “Sense of inadequacy” might be a catalyst, though. But the necessary condition in all cuckolding relationship, as I had seen, is the cuckold’s (or cuckquean’s) ability to merge themselves into their spouse!

  9. Louise

    Never heard of this fetish until today when I started searching the internet for an answer to a recent situation…..My husband and I sometimes masturbate while watching porn. Recently I experienced a different reaction when I could tell he was masturbating like he was having sex with the woman. I realized I was turned on by seeing him having sex with this woman in his head. At the same time I was angry with him for “having sex” with one else. I don’t understand why it was arousing and hurtful at the same time. Is that part of this fetish?….to feel “replaced” and hurt?

    1. Dex.Maya Post author

      Louise, I believe that the arousal and hurt happen in different parts of the brain at the same time, though I don’t have any scientific proof to this at this point in time. The arousal happened, I think, because one part of you felt one with your husband. And the hurt happened because another part of you possibly felt slighted.

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  11. Art

    Dex, your perspective on the cuckold fits me perfectly. I bonded/connected with my wife in the first month after we meet. I was never motivated by humiliation, voyeurism or inadequacy. I now understand how her having sex with another man would give her pleasure and how I would have derived pleasure from her pleasure. But I would have to have been included in the whole relationship.
    The thoughts of watching her dress for a date, then driving her to the other mans home and dropping her off for an overnight or even a weekend stay. Then meeting then for lunch to pick her up and hearing about what happened, are most exciting.
    While we never practiced cuckold, when we were in our thirties I came close to broaching the possibility to an acquaintance. He got married, so I dropped the idea and I never looked for another man. I was very selective, the other man had to be just right. Also I was held back by the fear my wife would leave for the other man if she found him to be more desirable. The trust to make a cuckold relationship work was not there. However my wife has had affairs and did not leave me.
    I have also experienced sperm competition. One night after she came home from a night out with the girls I could smell smoke in her hair, Neither she nor any of her girlfriends were smokers. I was already in bed when she got home. When she got in bed and I smelled the smoke I made love to her with a passion and ferocity that surprised both of us. She asked what got into me, I asked about the smoke in hair, she said ” you think I have been with another man that’s explained it” and no more was said.
    I can attest to exclusion being a relationship killer. The times my wife has excluded me from events or happenings in her life were most painful, even when another man was involved, it would have been better to have been involved and treated like an outsider.
    I am now 60 and although I still love her and will spend the rest of my life with her, my feelings toward her and cuckold have waned.

    1. Dex.Maya Post author

      Thanks Art! You explained it so beautifully.

      I do agree that “sperm competition” does exist. Like you have rightly point out, cuckoldry happens because of his sense of oneness with his wife/partner. Though, sperm competition adds some spice.

      I strongly believe that the main stream idea of cuckoldry as a product of sperm competition is deeply flawed.

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  13. Liz

    As a person who has studied world religions it always pains me to see how people misuse the word spirituality.

    Losing one’s self in the group doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re dealing with something which is spiritual. You might as well be drawn into a dark vortex of manipulation, as was the case with nazism, other “totalitarianisms”, and various religious cults.

    Your reasoning according to me is extremely flawed and just seems like a bunch of New Age psycho babble mixed with a wrong understanding of spirituality.

    1. Ian

      Connecting the term spirituality with religions is not the only way. If spirituality is taken as the advancement of our own spirit (soul) and its connection to other spirits (souls) them all types of experience can add to our ability to understand our thoughts and actions or connections with others and hence our spiritual development Belief in any dogma can stop certain actions and therefore actually hold back the development of our spirit.

    2. Dex.Maya Post author

      Liz, how do you explain spirituality without invoking God or religion?

      Or, do agnostics and atheists ever feel the same feelings/emotions as a believer feels when they kneeled in front of their God or lost to the rest of the world?

      If your answer to the second question is “No” (my guess), then you completely missed the point.

      If you answered “Yes” to the second question, but still have trouble answering the first question, you can perhaps start by visiting this TED talk: (I had linked this already in the post, but I’m willing to take a bet that you hadn’t watched it)

      The trouble with the religious types like yourself, I speculate, is that they can’t handle abstractions or hypothetical very well. I don’t think that religions have anything to do with it. I think the people who have difficulty in processing the hypothetical or the abstract end up stuck with religions and their teachings. I know it is a sweeping and arrogant statement. But I am totally frustrated by hare brained world view that religious thinkers often insist that the world anchors itself to! Please do your home world, read some serious neuroscience, before commenting on such level of abstraction that this blog post deals with.

      While we are at it, you might like this TED talk too, though it has nothing to do with cuckoldry or religious thinking:

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  15. Art

    I have searched the internet for the psychology of a cuckold and none talk about the empathy or compersion rewards of a cuckold relationship.
    They explain cuckold relationships as the results of a childhood trauma, voyeurism, inadequacy or what ever other demeaning reason they can come up with.
    While I would agree that there can be several motivations for a cuckold relationship, yours best fits me an my feelings to my wife. I do not understand how no other web sites mention empathy or compersion.

    1. Dex.Maya Post author

      Thanks Art. I even tried taking up this with some academic who is researching this subject and got politely pushed turned down :)

      If you can share this article with other interested people, over time, the mindless demeaning of cuckold might come down just a little bit.

      In my mind, modern cuckoldry is a beautiful thing born out of someone’s sheer love for his wife. How people have totally missed the ball on this one surprises me endless!

      1. Art Duval

        In your experience and communications with people in a successful cuckold relationship, does the idea for the lifestyle originate with the husband or wife?

      2. Dex.Maya Post author

        Usually the idea and encouragement comes from the cuckold or the cuckquean. Though, people being people, nothing comes standardized.

      3. Anbesa

        Dex let me help you in this:
        1st academics are deep involved in one stuff, not polihistors, so their knowledge is deep, but narrow and not wide, its like a radar with search or track mode, the first shows more info, the latter deeper info. Btw. thats a general problem of the world we live in today (sorry for a bit off topic). And academics do not like autodidacts, and thats the problem here. (I know this, but its in nuclear stuff… now the academic(s) asking me, how the hell I got this result… and my answer is simple: try to see the forest and not just the tree in front of you.)
        2nd academics do not like if the well mummified theory is falling apart, so don’t touch :) their mummified theories, for them it is no problem, that real life is out there. As long as a husband pays a lot of money to here from the doc he is perverted and there must be something in his childhood, the world is shining… if you say hubby you are complitely okey and maybe better, than those who are like you but do not even know that they are cuckolds or ignore it… well we can ignore a flood… not even God is stopping a flood, the water will find its way underground or elsewhere.
        3rd sexology (and many other sciences) are mummys, leaded by mummys. Sorry, do not want to hurt anybody, but an academic aged 80-90 shouldn’t say anything about sex, to take it a bit easy and funny. But to be honest take just a look on how we deal with schizophrenia… whilest it seems kinda sure since few years, that it is caused by a parazite ( toxoplasma gondii ), from which 25% of USA population and 50% of Germans are infected (by cats, original host: mouse, target: cats, but the parazite infects humans… and it only depends in which part of the brain the parazite ends up). If requested I send a link.
        4th the current social-economical system… well doesn’t like intact families and marriages, far more divorce after divorce… simple marketing, more consumption more profit, divorced husband goes to doc and pays for his bullshit theories of beeing sic in mind to wanna be…
        (off topic: my other profession is marketing and could explain who this wonderful philosofy and tools is ruining our society, no not conspiracy, just a random side-effect, which went self propelled).
        Summa summarum: again I belive and think Dex blog is the best ever in this topic and general in sexology, because cuckolding isn’t rare, its hidden in much more people (males mostly), than anyone surmises.
        Again THANK YOU!

      4. Dex.Maya Post author

        Thanks for your kind words Anbesa.

        //hubby you are complitely okey and maybe better//
        Every time I see a cuckold caption picture about husband’s inadequacy, it tears my heart out. When I hear hotwives complaining about how the husband was using them as a sex object, I could hear myself scream inside “woman, how dumb can you be”. But cuckoldry, I guess, is too complex a phenomenon for the average Joe or Jill to comprehend, I guess!

        //cuckolding isn’t rare, its hidden in much more people (males mostly), than anyone surmises//
        I once wrote in an internet forum that “everyone is a potential cuckold, like everyone is a potential murderer; you just need the right situation to bring it out”. You are absolutely right about it. But my view of sex difference on cuckoldry might differ from yours. I think women are natural cuckqueans. I think women are much more comfortable in sharing their partner than men are. Where insecurity of sharing is removed, high level of sexual excitement automatically yields cuckoldry.

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  17. inkofconfusion

    hey there. really interesting and logical perspective of this matter a question for you though. would you let your wife make you a cuckold? and for cuckoldress who gets more pleasure than their cucks, or in other words, possibly being”attached” to the third party, that’d be pretty screwed up wont it? Would you agree that cuckoldresses cuckold their hubby to make them feel jealous and in turn, make the hubby appreciate her and put in more effort to please her?what do you think?

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  20. Anbesa

    Hi Dex and Maya… well I took a rest, drunk a coffee, but even now, after a while I do not know, how to start… so I’ll simple try to: that is simple the best ever written and professional sexology stuff on the topic cuckoldry, that should be in each mummified sexology-sexual psychology book with what the “science” is now raping and misleading anyone, who reads them. Nobel prize for this, and that’s not a joke.
    Absolutely perfect, total logical and pragmatic thinking, describing… simple WOW.
    I studied sexology and sexual psychology… and that science is light years away of reality and that distance is getting larger year by year.
    I am total amazed, not only because I’m interested in this because I studied it and now I understand it much more, than ever before… than also, because I understand people around me and myself better now.
    THANK YOU! Respect!
    Greatings from Europe!

    1. Dex.Maya Post author

      Well, if you lose the emotional connect with your partner, you will certainly stop having this fantasy. Short of that, look into some NLP techniques for deaddiction. Some of them might work, though I have no real life experience in using them for stopping this fantasy.

      But here is the important question: Why would you like to get rid of it? Why not embrace it?

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  23. Jonny

    Hi dex. I’m not trying to flatter you. But I was not a cuck before but after reading your analysis. Im now one of you. At Hindsight at how I’m not self discovered. It’s because of my selfish nature and unwilling to merge with any lovers. Seriously your explanations are the only one I read that make sense. Indians are undoubtedly smart. Thanks for sharing.

  24. kingapilarska

    I disagree with your explanation of the pleasure that a cuckquean gets. Im a female and I get pleasure fantasizing about my husband recieving the most pleasure he can and being satisfied rather than the other woman. Thinking that my husband would try more to satisfy another woman makes me angry and jealous, but thinking that the other girl is the only one trying to satisfy him puts me at ease. By reading your explanation for why the cuckqean gets pleasure made me think that possibly Maya is bisexual and enjoys seeing a female in a sexual encontueer and as a bisexual feels less threat that her partner would leave for the other girl just because she could do the same. This is just a observation and i could be wrong. Can you tell me your reasons for why you think a cuckquean gets pleasure from seeing the other woman get pleasure? Is this theory only based on Maya?


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